Triangles - Part 4 (pushback and exit)

Previous blogs have discussed how triangles form and how we can get pulled into them.  Though we may be sensitive to and alert about their entangling possibilities, becoming part of a triangle is at times inevitable.  So, how do we get out of them?

Obviously, one approach is to avoid them altogether.  When Person A comes to you and starts talking about Person B, stop Person A and suggest that they go to Person B directly and talk through the issues.  Further, advise that you will check with Person B within 24 hours to ensure that this conversation has occurred.

This accomplishes a few important things:

1.  puts Person A on notice that you do not want to part of a triangle

2.  lets Person A know that such behavior will not be tolerated

3.  sets the example for others to emulate

4.  sets the stage for a triange-free environment

5.  provides you with intrinsic and extrinsic credibility

So, if we have not been able to avoid a triangle, how do we exit?  Here are some suggestions:

1.  suggest that you, Person A and Person B go to a neutral site, like a conference room

2.  advise both Person A and Person B that you no longer will listen to their comments about each other without the both of them present

3.  stress that such behavior is detrimental to the team, organization, culture, etc. and does not foster trust

4.  exhort both Person A and B to talk through their differences in respecful manner devoid of anger and other harmful emotions

5.  stress both Person A and B to look at the facts and evaluate how both individuals can work out a solution

6.  encourage both Person A and B to engage in problem-resolution discussion devoid of:
     a.  emotional charges and countercharges
     b.  interrupting each other
     c.  personal attacks
     d.  bringing in unrelated issues

7.  encourage both individuals to commit to understanding each other's point of view (seek first to understand, then be understood as per Dr. Stephen R. Covey)

8.  advise both Person A and B that you will follow-up with them in 2 weeks to see how things are going and are willing to bring in professional assistance such as HR and/or a counselor. 

9.  finally, encourage both Person A and B to avoid triangles in the future and address differences with each other

This concludes the series of blogs on triangles.  Now comes the hard part: practicing what I have blogged and doing so consistently.  Blogging is easier than doing.   As to references, I have seen the Holy Scriptures, particularly Proverbs and the Book of James, contain many nuggets of wisdom in the realm of human relationships.

Another reference: "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters the Most".  For more, click here.